Change.

"Charlie"
where are you when I need to Laugh?

Dang it. Why do you have you creep up in my thoughts. You creep in and I don't even notice until its too late to get you out.
So what if I said I miss you?
I've lied about not missing you. If I make everyone else believe the lie, maybe I'll believe it too.
I could need you right now. I'm going through the hardest thing I've ever been through, but where are you? You said you'd be here. I know you can't be here, but that doesn't mean I don't want you here.
Or.
Maybe I don't really want you here. Maybe I'm tricking myself into thinking I need you here.
Is it really you I want? I. Don't. Know.
I'm clueless.
There are days that I could just run and hug you.
There are days I never want to talk to you again.
There are days where can't see me without you.
There are days when I couldn't see me with you.
There are days, like today, when I'm totally confused and don't know what to think.
There are days when everything is clear and I know just what to do.
I just want you here telling me everything will be ok.
and I know tons of other people have said this already.
But I want to hear you say it.
I miss you terribly.
and.
I HATE to admit it.
You wanna know why?
Because I've told everyone that I don't care.
But.
I do.
I do care.
And I keep telling people that I don't.
I'm such a liar.
I think maybe if I can get those people to believe it. Maybe I'll believe it too.
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Today.
I want to see you.
Talk with you. Laugh with you. and Smile with you.
Could I possibly by some chance still love you? YES.
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"Maybe it's knowing a smile is sometimes just like makeup, covering up the pain that lies just behind the surface of a close friend that we thought we knew well."- Nathan

I'm very good at that makeup.

Have you ever wanted a friend who can tell just by the tone of your voice that you aren't ok.. or fine. I have 1 friend besides my family that can tell when I'm not ok. Beth is her name. I love her to death.
anywho.

When someone asks you, "how are you." "fine".. but you really want them to ask again.. "No. How ARE you?"
How are you really doing?
Are you really fine. or are you F.I.N.E.
Are you really ok. or are you wearing that makeup of yours today?

Does your mask come off easily?
Mine doesn't.
Not at all.
I only really open up when I'm by myself.
I like to be by myself.
I only cry when I'm by myself.. normally.
Except at funerals.

It doesn't take much for me to open up.
That may sound strange.
After writing all of the above.
And I don't even know why I'm posting this.
really.
I have no idea.
Except.
That these things have been buried deep down in me somewhere and were begging to be free.
I'm such a jumbled up mess right now.
I'm terribly confused.
I'm trying to make sense of all this.
Maybe by writing this down and rereading, it will make some sense.
Maybe not.
Who knows.
I want to go back to Youth Camp.
It felt like nothing bad could happen there.
Like.. it was a free place. If that makes sense.
I'm stopping now.

I need You Jesus, more than ever.